Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
