Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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