White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
