So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
