the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
