I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
