My room smells like vodka and shame
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
