I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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