if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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