It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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