we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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