Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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