mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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