Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
