just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
this hospital has no fireball
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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