During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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