I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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