no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
