Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
