don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
