I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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