Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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