How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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