Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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