Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you had me at cake vodka
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
