He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
