What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
