she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
