I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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