i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize