well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize