I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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