At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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