I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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