Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
