How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
