She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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