i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
