I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
