I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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