it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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