my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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