I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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