when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
