We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
