I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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