She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
