I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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