also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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