First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
foreskin is a definite game changer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
