Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
