my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
