Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Mom said you looked used
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize