haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
