I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
