Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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