You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
