I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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